This is why Dupstep is awesome.

Large Hardon Collider: The End

The vastness and complexity of the universe is inconceivable to the human race but in an effort to better understand the ever-expanding phenomenon physicists from around the globe have created a device that allows man to play God. In 2008, science saw the introduction of the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest and highest-energy synchrotron. Synchrotrons are particle accelerators in which the magnetic field (to turn the particles so they circulate) and the electric field (to accelerate the particles) are carefully synchronized with the travelling particle beam. It is designed to collide particle beams of either protons or neutrons.

The LHC, located near Geneva, Switzerland, was a collaboration of over 10,000 scientists from over 100 countries and hopes to test various predictions of high-energy physics. Physicists hope the LHC will help to discover a new particle called the Higgs boson and to further understand “the theory of everything,” a single theory which can explain

all fundamental forces of the universe. Albert Einstein tried to shed light on this theory for the last 30 years of his life but never quite figured it out. He hoped it would help us “read the mind of God”.

As you can imagine the creation of this machine came with a lot of criticism. A major concern from a lot of critics is it could create multiple black holes that would eventually devour the earth. While this has not yet happened, in March it created quark-gluon plasma; the densest form of matter ever observed.

According to David Evans, a physicist from the University of Birmingham in the U.K., a cubic centimeter of this stuff would weigh 40 billion tons and the only thing denser is a black hole. He said the material is 100 thousand times hotter than the inside of the sun.

This form of matter may have been what the entire universe was in the immediate aftermath of the Big Bang but only for a few millionths of a second. It instantly vanished and condensed into protons and neutrons and other particles that makeup the current state of the universe.

So does this mean we could create our own universe like some sort of ant farm? Are we a universe in a machine that someone else created? Possibly we are a universe in a locket around a dog’s neck (via Men in Black).

I’m not sure how this will affect us but the idea of playing with matter that was possibly part of the universe’s beginning is exhilarating. I would like to know more about what the benefits are for us to foster this type of matter. What are the long term goals? I understand that a bunch of scientist want to delve further into understanding our existence but unless this is some way for us to cure AIDS/cancer, power the world with a clean burning fuel, or help me grow a thicker mustache then I would prefer to see the 7.5 billion Euros used to create the LHC invested in some other scientific endeavor.

Tis the season...

Summer. It's the season of lounging by the pool, backyard BBQs, girls in bikinis, baseball, the NBA Finals, and most importantly... interns.

That's right. Nothing gets me more excited than a fresh batch of summer interns attempting to pack their resumes full of work "experiences". If your Company is anything like mine, then your HR office is completely incompetent and repeatedly hires the most socially awkward interns possible. Bad for the Company, terrific for me!

Last year's minivan driving, UT-attending, Panamanian, walking corpse of an intern punctuated his internship by delivering a rousing speech that ended with, "Thanks for not yelling at me."

I thought I still had a week before I could have the pleasure of laughing at some interns dumb mistakes. Imagine my extreme excitement when I didn't even have to wait until they started to get my first good laugh.

Below is part of an e-mail sent to my counterpart:

I had a few questions that I was told by my campus recruiter to address to you.
1. Will I be provided with parking in Dallas downtown? I will be driving to work and as far as downtown parking goes, I dont think it will be easy to find parking there. This is one of my biggest concerns because I am not good with parallel parking. Hence, it would really help out if I was provided a parking spot or a garage. Please do let me know what Bank of America can do about this concern I have.
2. For the orientation/training, will I be reimbursed for the transportation (taxi) and any other expenses (food)?
I am excited to start work on 8th June. Hopefully I wont let you all down.

I'm going to go ahead and say that "Hopefully I won't let you all down" is not a very confident way to finish an e-mail. But please future intern do not worry, you are already well on your way to exceeding my expectations. All you must do is continue to be awkward and write incredibly dumb e-mails and you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams (at least in my book.)

It's going to be a good summer!

CNN Keeps it Intresting

Feeling down this morning after a terrible Mavericks loss, I decided to head over to CNN, before being abused by ESPN, and the headlines and images below greeted me. I laughed, I cried, and then I de-friended the fetus on Facebook.

Horse Herpes

Facebook Fetus

Walmart of Weed

Mavs vs. Heat: 2006 NBA Finals Rematch

Tonight the Mavs will take on the Heat at 8 PM CST on ESPN. Game one is in Miami but I feel like we are going to open this series hot. Woo!!

Uuuhhh..Jowsh

Last week Ranger TV announcer John Rhadigan was ousted for Dave Barnett. Rhadigan was given an opportunity of a lifetime and just failed to capitalize. Frankly, he just wasn't that good. Maybe Barnett's time with the Rangers will be more successful and maybe he will prove himself perfect for the job but he will have to work hard to make me forget the squirrely geek who would stare wide-eyed into the camera and spout off absurd facts. Uuuhhh....Jowsh Lewin, I think I miss you.

Lewin was the Rangers play-by-play guy for nine years. He did a wonderful job of working absurd pop culture references and baseball nostalgia into his broadcasting. He was like a nerdy episode of Family Guy. Embracing goofy on-the-field antics like the claw and antlers, Lewin seemed to have as much fun in his role as broadcaster as the guys on the field did playing. I was sad to see him go and have been reminded of how much I miss his play calling by all the Jeff Van Gundy-esque comments by Rhadigan. Uhhhh.....Jowsh, I think I miss you.

Lewin continues to broadcast home games for the San Diego Chargers and he now hosts a midday talk show on 105.5 The Fan. Lewin is married with two kids and currently resides in Southlake, Texas. If you get a chance today shoot the elfish baseball nerd a quick email or tweet to let him know that, Uhhhh…Jowsh, we miss you.

Macho Man Randy Savage Prevents the Rapture

As many of you know the Rapture was supposed to take place on Saturday at 6 PM. Well, some believe this was a miscalculation by the old pastor, some believe the Rapture is made up, but others know the real truth...

...the coming Rapture was met by an Atomic Elbow Drop. Macho Man died to save us from our sins. Communion shall now be replaced by Slim Jims and Red Bulls. OH YEAH!!!

Reasons why the world is definitely going to end Saturday...

Your Wednesday Read

$500 Million dollar floating golf course planned for the Maldives.

ACL's 2011 Lineup

Top 10 Outrageous Dubai Construction Projects

First Habitable Planet


Nine Things Successful People Do Differently

Wing Rankings

And the winner is...

Congratulations Casey and Jessica!!!

SPB on Location: Nocturnal Fest

"No, I'm not going any closer," Ed said.

"What do you mean?  Why not?" I asked.

"Trust me, the base is so intense you don't want to get any closer."

We were waiting for Bassnectar to start his set at the Nocturnal Festival.  Nocturnal Fest is a 2-night electronic music festival in a field 45 miles from anything worth knowing.  

Ed was right.  When Bassnectar began, it felt as if my brains were going to explode out of my ears... in a good way though.  

The festival consisted of numerous DJs and bands, some of the best people watching I have ever seen, enough lights and lasers to make anyone epileptic, and copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.  See video below:

The Stink Pickle Blog debated the best way to try to describe this otherwordly experience to its voracious readership.  In the end, we decided that any kind of written description would fall short.  So here are a few pictures from the festival with our best captions.





LOOK OUT HOT GIRL!!! The lasers are going to cut you in half!!!

Y...M...C...Dubstep

 

Ghostland Observatory was the "peak"



The picture isn't blurry we are

 Nocturnal = spinning lights, 3D glasses, glow sticks and a blank stare

Things got weird

Then things got really weird

I promise, it really looked this way

I dare you to party this hard!

I'm PEAKING!!!!

The end.



Rusko: Boom

I saw Rusko Monday night and it was one of the most insane shows I have seen in a long time. Not since my days standing in the back of a garage at some local Lubbock hardcore show have I felt intensity like I did that evening. The Granada Theater was a very interesting venue for a dubstep show. I love the Granada, it's small and intimate and it has a great historical look and feel. The staff is awesome and always nice and I almost never wait too long for a beer (this is probably because they host a lot of all ages shows; which is terrible).

Anyways, the scraggly Londoner came onstage at 10:45. He had a sweet Euro haircut, torn white T-Shirt, worn out jeans and an absurd amount of energy. Rusko seems like he was probably the antsy kid with ADHD in elementary school that wore dirty clothes, never combed his hair, and wiped his boogers under his desk (kind of like me in college). It was exciting. He stood in front of his DJ equipment, back lit by giant glowing letters which spelled out his name, screamed some unintelligible English bullshit into the microphone, and then dropped the base line. The entire place rattled. The old bones of the Granada Theater nearly crumbled as the brutal baseline vibrated the floorboards and bounced off of the walls. BOOM, and then it hit. The entire dance floor was moving and grinding like some sort of sweaty machine. Our minds were entangled in the complicated rhythms while our ringmaster flopped around on stage screaming and dancing at such a furious pace that even Paul Walker and Vin Diesel wanted to call the tour Fast 6. Lights flashed and danced, hips moved, bodies jumped, and the baseline womped. It was simply filthy.

My Rusko Favorites:

1. Woo Boost

2. Jahova C

3. Everyday

4. Hold On

5. Raver's Special

The Affair at Coulter's Notch: Ambrose Bierce

Bitter Bierce Face

The SPB has many goals, not the least of which is to expand your gray matter by exposing you to things you would otherwise ignore.  Here is some quality American literature for you Stinky Pickles.  This is a short story by the same man who provided us with the quote we proudly placed on our banner.  The first link is to the story.  Admittedly it is a little difficult to comprehend on the first read (I had to read it twice), so the second link is an analysis of the story that helps to clear some things up.

http://www.americanliterature.com/Bierce/SS/TheAffairatCoultersNotch.html

http://www.ambrosebierce.org/journal1newhouse.html

Reader Spotlight: Casey 'Face' Lamar

Name: Casey Lamar

Age: 25

Nickname and how you received it:  Face…I was a participant (i.e. I got my ass whipped) in a fist fight and caught the brunt of many flying haymakers, relegating my beautiful face to ground chuck for the good part of a month.  The subsequent nickname “face” was given to me affectionately by my friend and future roommate Ian.  The name has since been my identifier, with a stark reminder to never engage in fisticuffs while seated in a vehicle.

If you were going to be stuck on an island for a year and could only have one thing, what would it be? Encyclopedia Britannica, maybe I could learn something…..

If you could have lunch with any living person, who would it be and why? I would like to have dinner with Mark Cuban. I think it would be awesome to see what he is like in conversation and find out what his ideas for the future are….and maybe he’d hook me up with some front row tix too. TAKE DAT WIT CHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you could punch any living person in the face, who would it be and why? I would love to crow-hop Manu Ginolbi right in his big stupid face. I have never hated a person more in my life, and I hate him more because the idiot wins titles .I hate the fact that he is a flopper who gets the benefit of the doubt, without being a top 10 player in the league. I hate that people in San Antonio worship him. I hate the fact that he plays for the team I hate. I can honestly say that I would hit him so hard that his brain would be permanently damaged as a result….and no, I wouldn’t feel bad. I hate you Manu!

What place would you most like to visit and why? I would like to visit Australia, punch some kangaroos, and swim with sharks. Or the moon………

Would you let Anthony shit on your chest for $1000?  NO, explanation is not necessary.

Would you rather lose your legs or your arms?  The wrestler from ASU confirmed my decision; I would rather lose my legs for two reasons:  First, the science behind prosthetics has come so far that you are still able to live a normal life with fake legs, just ask Lt. Dan. Second, I would be scared to do certain things with a claw/rubber hand.

What’s your favorite college memory? My favorite college memory is actually an entire weekend. Tech – UT weekend 2010 had everything a college student and sports fan would ever want, Halloween party, day drinking, football, Dominoes Philly Cheese-steak sandwich, Rockies, friends, beer, Crabtree/Harrell, and WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will never forget that weekend. 

What hobby would you like to pick up? Carpentry is something I have always wanted to master. If you can build something, you are always going to have a job and be worth a s**t. I would love having the satisfaction of building furniture that I use in my house.

Who is your favorite p*rn star? Jenna Jameson, an OG and pioneer in the field. Too bad Tito screwed it up for everyone……

What is your favorite song? My favorite song of all time is The Warmth, by Incubus. After some thought (2 minutes), the memory of hearing this song in the pit of an Incubus show confirms my choice. BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sir Charles does Crossfit!

So you guys know by now that I drink the Crossfit kool-aid.  Some of you have even had the stones to come try it with me.  Well Charles Barkley himself does Crossfit... kinda.

http://www.nba.com/insidethenba/?p=502374&s=5083307&i=938264

Get off your ass...

Alright, last week I shared an article about the risks associated with too much sugar.  This week, the NY Times published an article about the health risks of too much sitting.  It's nothing groundbreaking; it doesn't take a PhD to figure out that being sedentary has negative health effects.  The article is still worth a read.  So for those keeping score at home, no sugar and no sitting.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17sitting-t.html?_r=1

Healthy Pickles

I know that this blog has thus far been primarily used for humor and it will continue to be used in this fashion.  However, occasionally I would like to throw in a serious topic or two.  I want the readers of SPB to not only be the brightest and most respected men in the world, I want them to be the healthiest and fittest.  That is why I will be writing a few articles in the near future about nutrition and exercise.

An article has been making its way through the blogs and message boards I read on health and nutrition.  The title of the article in the NYT Magazine is Is Sugar Toxic?  Its a bit long but great for a Friday afternoon read.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17Sugar-t.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1 

In short, the article discusses the theory that sugar could be responsible for many of the health problems we face today.  There is still not enough evidence to indite sugar as the root of all health evils, but the case against it is certainly gaining steam.  Below is a short exerpt that sums the article up quite nicely:

When Glinsmann and his F.D.A. co-authors decided no conclusive evidence demonstrated harm at the levels of sugar then being consumed, they estimated those levels at 40 pounds per person per year beyond what we might get naturally in fruits and vegetables — 40 pounds per person per year of “added sugars” as nutritionists now call them. This is 200 calories per day of sugar, which is less than the amount in a can and a half of Coca-Cola or two cups of apple juice. If that’s indeed all we consume, most nutritionists today would be delighted, including Lustig.

But 40 pounds per year happened to be 35 pounds less than what Department of Agriculture analysts said we were consuming at the time — 75 pounds per person per year — and the U.S.D.A. estimates are typically considered to be the most reliable. By the early 2000s, according to the U.S.D.A., we had increased our consumption to more than 90 pounds per person per year.

That this increase happened to coincide with the current epidemics of obesity and diabetes is one reason that it’s tempting to blame sugars — sucrose and high-fructose corn syrup — for the problem. In 1980, roughly one in seven Americans was obese, and almost six million were diabetic, and the obesity rates, at least, hadn’t changed significantly in the 20 years previously. By the early 2000s, when sugar consumption peaked, one in every three Americans was obese, and 14 million were diabetic.

Pretty compelling argument if you ask me.

Some of you may know that I have started following (albeit loosely) a new diet, the Paleo diet.  I hesitate to call it a diet because that is usually associated with fads like the South Beach Diet and others.  Paleo is more of a lifestyle change than a diet.  I will save the lengthy explanation for another article but simply put, the Paleo diet eliminates processed foods from your daily intake. 

I think one of the problems with typical American diets is that we don't realize how much sugar - glucose - we are eating.  Most people don't realize that bread, potatoes, and other starches contain glucose.  What is the base layer of the food pyramid that we were all taught growing up?  Breads, cereals, and pastas.  This means that we have been programmed from a young age to consume high levels of glucose.  Therefore I believe it is no coincidence that obesity and diabetes are at an all-time high.

Now contrast the Paleo pyramid below to the FDA pyramid above.  Notice anything different?

Now why would the two be so dramatically different?  There is no way that the FDA could come out with a food pyramid that suggested we not eat breads and grains.  The Nestles, Conagras, and General Mills of the world would never let that happen.  They make too much money and are in too many pockets.

Now I don't follow the Paleo diet to a T, I love cookies too much (I had one while writing this article) and its just plain hard to do.  However, since I have reduced my processed food intake, and subsequently my glucose intake, I have felt much much better.

They might not be able to prove yet that sugar is the culprit, but one thing is for sure... they definitely aren't coming out with any studies showing the health BENEFITS of sugar.  So in my mind its pretty simple, be on the safe side and start cutting back the sugar intake.

Country Living

The Tan Man's fearless sidekick.

Chapstick

Gay/Not Gay/European: Cherry Chapstick

Hello Picklers,

Welcome to the first edition of Gay, Not Gay, or European (also known as Tigh, Garrett, or David Beckham).  This is a blatant and unabashed rip-off of a segment on the Ticket radio station. 

The idea to put this segment on SPB came during our long, grueling, and manly mountain bike session this weekend (one that still has me limping like an 80 year old woman).  A guy rode by wearing a full spandex biking outfit.  This sparked a gay/not gay conversation.  For the record, I'm saying not gay.  Also, during the ride the conversation kept casually returning to Casey giving everyone Handy Js.  Not sure why.

The first topic of debate for Gay, Not Gay, or European is cherry chapstick.  This topic was brought forth to the committee by Tigh and I have a strong suspicion that he wants to use this forum to convince himself and others that cherry chapstick is an acceptable male product. 



Sebastian doesn't think cherry chapstick is gay.  Do you?

 I envision this exchange taking place as Tigh walked into his place of employment Monday morning.  The following scene take place in the elevator:

Tigh's Boss (enters elevator as Tigh is re-applying said cherry flavored chapstick):  Morning Stephen... was that... chapstick?  Cherry flavored chapstick?

Tigh (embarrassingly stuffing the stick back in his pocket):  Morning.  Uh.. yes sir.  My lips are chapped from my mountain bike ride this weekend.

Tigh's Boss:  Are you gay son?  Are you a middle school girl about to suck her first dick?  Are your lips chapped from mountain biking or from an all-night sausage buffet?

Tigh:  Wow sir, I don't think that was appropriate to say in this crowded elevator.  No sir I'm not gay.  It's just chapstick which is manly as old spice.

Tigh's Boss:  No, its not just chapstick Susie.  Its cherry chapstick.  Why don't you just slap a Gay Pride sticker on your man-purse and give $1 BJs in the men's room?

Tigh:  Well... uh... sir... it came in a variety pack and I didnt want to just throw it away.

Tigh's Boss:  Why did you buy a variety pack, Sally?  One for each flavor of cock you want to swallow?

Tigh:  Sir this is getting uncomfortable.  It's just chapstick. 

Tigh's Boss:  Whatever you say Stephanie.

So what do you think SPBers?  Gay?  Not gay?  European?  Leave your comments below (Tigh, if you can't figure out how to comment, send it to me or Ian and we will do it for you).

Time to Name My Trophy

After spending the morning watching episodes of The League instead of working, I have decided our trophy, to be created before next season, needs a name. Time to start brainstorming boys.

How about the Clounch Crown and when we refer to it we say Clounch in a guttural grunt. We can give her cigarettes and giant bottle of McCormacks as offerings prior to the playoffs.

Maybe just the Yetti. We can roar and gargle. We can get close and rub noses with it. Take it home late after a game and then wake up crying.

Or someone we all thought was gorgeous.

The Leach. The Tuna Trophy. The Gates Memorial. Let's hear your ideas. Post suggestions in the comments area and we will take the top four and put it in a poll to decide. Get that brain working and impress me with your sardonic wit. You degenerates.

Fantasy Gold

Gentleman,

I would like to point out that with my Tournament Pick ‘Em gold trophy I now have a first place trophy in every fantasy sport we play. This brings me to a tough a decision; do I keep playing or simply retire and take on a position as fantasy consultant?

In making this decision, I decided to take a look at the Overall Performance percentage for some of the people in our league.

As much as it pains me to say this Anthony sat at the top of the stack with 55%. He also only had 24 eligible teams. I guess the hours of devotion has paid off. Good job my friend. The consultant's consultant.

G-Money with 50%, not bad, but I would like to point out the number of third place finishes. I'll applaud that glorious gold football trophy but the rest is just sad. The trick to gold in baseball this year is Nick Markakis, let me know when you are ready for him. By the way, I thought they changed from gold soccer trophies to miniature Michael Jackson trophies.


The basketball beast J-Rose had 48%.

I also sit at 48% which isn't the best but...damn I have a lot of gold trophies. I'm king of hot or cold. Last or first. I go for broke baby. Gamble big and sometimes it will payoff, like taking Markakis this year who is batting .430 5 games in. He is perfect for that second spot in the lineup behind Roberts, and in front of the power hitters Vlad and Derek Lee. Another gold is on the horizon! Markakis will piggy back that trophy and drop it at my feet. Whoa!

Cheeshead Abel with 45%, not bad just play more you only have 15 eligible teams. Three gold football. Nicely done but two of them are from '07.

Tigh with only 44% but I can't say much because he is just pulled off the back-to-back. Fierce. Keeps all of us on our fantasy toes with his smooth trash talking and excellent draft complaints.

Face with 41% but 65 eligible teams. Devotion and dedication will eventually lead you down the road to success.

Next was J-Mart with 31%. I spit my coffee on myself and moved on.

In reality we have a great league. I love nerding out and obsessing over the numbers with you guys. I like the smack talk when we all get together, I like the never ending talk of trade possibilities and I like seeing Rose get mad when those trades get vetoed. Let's keep this up for as long as we all can and we really need to try and get together on Sundays this year for football (if there is football).

"Andre: What do you mean, there are different levels of friendship?
Taco: Yeah, definitely.
Ruxin: Look, there's the United Nations, then there's the Security Council, okay?
[Motions to the whole group of Pete, Kevin, Taco, Andre and himself]
Ruxin: United Nations...
[points to Pete and Kevin]
Ruxin: Security Council.
[Points to Andre]
Ruxin: GHANA."

"Andre: Where were you at, man?
Taco: I was just having sex with some girl in a Prius. I love having sex in Priuses, 'cause you're not only having sex, you're saving the environment too."

Rangers Opening Day

 Opening Day is here… finally! 

As a Rangers fan, this offseason was different than any other I have experienced.  Usually, I could care less what was happening at Spring Training.  Usually, I am focused on the Mavs and Stars and the Rangers are out of mind.  Usually, I don’t spend hours contemplating the Rangers potential opening day line-up with friends.  But usually, the Rangers don’t make it to the World Series!

Last season was phenomenal.  It finally brought some hope back to Rangers fans.  I remember seeing a license Plate with the Rangers insignia that said “NXT YR”.  So true.  It was always next year.  Next year we will get pitching.  Next year our rookies will pan out.  Finally Rangers fans are thinking THIS year!

I thought it might be fun to take a look at today’s starting line-up compared to those in years past.  Today’s probable line-up looks like this:

2B Ian Kinsler
SS Elvis Andrus
LF Josh Hamilton
3B Adrian Beltre
DH Michael Young
RF Nelson Cruz
1B Mike Napoli
C Yorvit Torrealba
CF Julio Borbon

SP CJ Wilson

When you have Nelly Cruz hitting 6^th, I think you are gonna put up some runs!  Here is what the opening day line-ups have looked like going back to the year I was born, 1985:

Check out the All-Roid All Stars in 2001!

There aren’t words to explain last year’s playoffs. It was amazing.  I never thought I would get to see a Rangers World Series game but I did.  Unfortunately the result was not good, but at least I got to see it.

Five hours until the new season!  It’s Time!